Some guy named Patrick J. Reilly wrote some stories as a gift to his family. If subjecting his family to his madness wasn't enough, he decided to publish it for all to read.
You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll wonder why on earth you paid money for this crap.
I'm heavily addicted to pistachios, and I control all things yellow. When I feel like it, I can levitate. Look out! I'll poplockanddropit when you don't want me to. I fought in the Crimean War and I'm not a pathological liar. I am the first person to be awarded the Nobel Prize in Literature whilst in utero. I declined the award when I was born in 1982 (beat that you googly eyed French bastard!). With only the aid of a shoehorn, I can defend our nation's borders. I can throw a banana and have it come back to me like a boomerang. Yesterday, I bungee jumped with a parachute and made the process look damn sexy. When prompted, I will check myself before I wreck myself (but only if prompted). I fell down the stairs and broke the stairs. That'll teach 'em. Are you still reading this?